Life after death

I don’t know how much you believe in life after death, etc. but I want to tell you what happened to me last year. My 4 yr old dog Finn suddenly went in to kidney failure and I spent 11 days at home caring for him with daily trips to the vet. I learned how to flush an IV, kept trying to get him to eat, and just held him a lot. It was the toughest 11 days of my life watching him slowly fade away. I finally let him go on a Thursday morning and as he passed, all the dogs in the neighborhood started to howl. Eerie. I finally slept more than 30 minutes at a time that day and dreamt of Finn bringing a black dog to me and then running off into the woods. I woke up bawling for him to come back. After exactly ONE day of having an empty house I decided there was a dog out there that needed me as much as I needed them. I looked through the Humane Society’s page of adoptable dogs and out loud asked Finn to help me choose the dog who really needed me. When I got to a picture of this brown, sad looking pup, the wind started to blow HARD and all my hair stood on end. Then a cardinal landed outside my window (if you didn’t know, cardinals are often associated with the spirit of a deceased loved one). I asked again out loud if THIS brown dog needed me and the wind once again picked up and my hair stood on end. I went to the Humane Society that evening. They brought out the dog and he was BLACK just like the one in my dream. I adopted him the following morning and he has been the BEST and sweetest dog I could’ve asked for. The point of all this, is based on what happened to me and even as completely broken as I was after Finn passed, if I hadn’t listened to the weird “signs” I wouldn’t have a great dog who helped me so much through the grieving process. I truly believe that Finn helped me find Sammy. Keep an open heart about getting another dog. Don’t let ANYONE ELSE tell you it’s too soon, or not soon enough.

surely you can't be serious...

i don't think about blogging on a regular basis. in fact, if i hadn't accidentally clicked the link for someone ELSE'S blog, i wouldn't have ended up here today. the first thing that jumped out at me was the date of my last entry...over a year ago. REALLY?! the fact that yet another year has passed and not much has changed is a really depressing thought.
for a few months at the beginning of this year, i really thought things were turning around. for a while i was truly HAPPY. and then it all went away. the happiness was fleeting and the REASON for it was all lies.
do people get their ya-yas from telling people things they want to hear? making up lies to get what they want? making people feel things for them by creating a false persona or unreal set of expectations and future life plans?
then something else happens...you get over these lies and pain...accept it as a learning experience and truly move on. but what happens when someone you know (friend, acquaintance) is now being sucked in to the same bullshit that you just got over? it's not like you can exactly be the voice of reason, because now you're the "jealous ex" and your word means nothing. so instead of being able to prevent someone else from going through what you did, you have to sit idly by and hope you can just help pick up the pieces. the funny thing? the person BEFORE me went through the same thing. wished she could help me see what was going to happen, hoping that "this time" would be different.
games....or life?

a good ending to the year...

i started work at american eagle airlines back in september. it was something i said i would never do, but the fact that i got health benefits really sucked me in:)

nostalgia...

it's very logical that dwelling on the past is pointless. what's done is done and the real important thing is to learn from whatever has happened and try to apply it to your future. but sometimes it's hard to be logical.

i've spent the better part of today doing two things: cleaning the house and thinking of the past. reliving memories and wishing that some things that were, STILL were. i started looking at old pictures, reading old things and wishing i could go back and change events or things i said or did. what a drag!

sometimes i feel like my mouth is controlled by someone who isn't me. i hear myself say things that i don't really believe or want to say, and it can be hard to take that shit back, especially when you're in shock for a few moments after the words have been uttered...

i want a better, happier and more fulfilling life, who doesn't? if i can find a way to keep my mouth in check, i just might get it.

having an epiphany messes you up...

so my mom sent me this funny email yesterday. one of those forwards with some stuff you read while scrolling down the page, then you finally come to a picture which goes along with the stuff you've been reading. the "story" or theme was things to be thankful for. when you get to the picture it was this old couple, naked, standing on a beach. the email said to be thankful the picture was taken from behind and not from the front.

while funny, it really started to make me think and then panic just a little bit. i thought first "that'll be me someday, old saggy butt..." and then it dawned on me that because of my abhorrence of marriage, i would be the saggy butt standing all alone. that made me kind of scared, not because i'm afraid to be alone, but wondering who the hell was going to be physical with "saggy butt" lady?!

i'm a fan of being intimate with someone, i'm sure most people are. but i sort of felt like i would be better off if i had someone who was, well, obligated to have sex with me when i'm old and saggy-like. does that make me really fucked up?! i started to rethink my priorities and decided that maybe "married" life wasn't such a bad gig afterall. now, considering i am single and don't have a semblance of a social life, the next order of panic was "how the hell will i ever meet someone to 'couple' with?" this is where i sit now, trying to figure out how to meet someone i can stand, get along with (and fight with!) who is as willing as i am to work on a relationship and not bail when the going gets tough.

problem 1: i have become SO cynical and bitter from years of bad....everything. the last relationship i had was plagued by my bad attitude. don't get me wrong, it wasn't the ONLY issue, but it certainly played a role.
problem 2: i have poor judgement when it comes to dating. it seems i always have feelings for the wrong person or no feelings for the right one. or maybe my standards are too high?

things to ponder for sure...

it's probably a good thing i don't like cats...

lately i've been getting the feeling that if i was a "cat person" i would end up being that lady. one with a zillion cats who lives alone and ends up getting her face eaten by her beloved pets when she dies alone in her house. that makes me wonder if dogs would do the same thing and also very glad i don't really LIKE cats.

unless i do something drastic soon i fear i may become her. i don't go out or socialize much because i am usually too tired after work to do anything, really. weekends are spent catching up on sleep and housework that gets neglected during the week. so unless i plan to live with jamie the rest of my life, i'd better get a move on.

in the spirit of socializing, i'm heading to STL this weekend. i love going to visit my friends but there are definite downsides to the trip. first there's the 5+ hour drive alone. that is BORRRRRRING. second, it eats up my "catch up" time at home, so i leave right from work and then come back and go right to work. it doesn't actually feel like i've had much time off. plus after the drive time both ways it feels like i barely have any time to spend with people. this coming weekend i'll be staying with emily (usually i stay with anna) and she'll also have other houseguests. wittsle and her 2 kids are staying there too, so it should be fun for the 3 of us to catch up. we used to hang out all the time in high school. man that was a long time ago:(

noodles & company

i spent the majority of my weekend either IN madison or traveling to/from there. it started when i decided to go test drive a rav4 in monroe, then head up to madison to test drive another. i found a few certified used on toyota's website and decided to start the process of buying a "new" car.

of course my mom wanted to go with me, so we started out saturday morning on the BORRRRRRING drive to monroe. it's only about 54 miles but felt like an eternity! the rav4 was nice, v-6 with 3rd row seating and a towing-ready package. it's in really good shape and was a smooth ride.

then we headed to madison and i'd picked out 3 others to test out. on the first try, the weirdest thing happened. i got in the car, fastened my seatbelt, drove about 1o feet and somehow just KNEW this was not the car i wanted. there wasn't anything wrong with it per se, just a weirdness and/or tight feeling in my chest. i backed up the 10 feet i'd driven and told the guy "nope, this isn't it." i think he thought i was nuts. how do you explain to someone that it just doesn't "feel" right when there's nothing physically wrong with the car?

the 2nd choice was alright, but i definitely had a better feeling about the 3rd one. so now i will be trying to figure out financing and which one of the 2 i like better. there are definite pros and cons for each...it's a difficult choice.

after the driving around, mom & i went to noodles to grab some dinner. we decided to take a bunch home with us since we never get there enough to enjoy it. we ended up buying a LOT of take-home...to the point where i had to get a box to put it all in the trunk. i won't tell you the dollar amount but it was a LOT. we pretty much got one of everything and i went tofu crazy because i get excited about eating tofu when it's cooked well. i'm not such a great tofu-cooker so props to noodles.

went to the mall and kicked around for a bit. headed home in the evening, nothing major.

i don't know WHAT my mom's deal is, but she's on this kick where she punches people in the arm or slaps them. it's not to be mean, it's when she's laughing or something but she must've punched me in the arm or slapped me a dozen times, while we were in the car. i have a faint bruise on my arm from her. i'm not complaining or whining about my bruise, it doesn't really hurt or anything but WTF is her DEAL?!? :)

so in addition to our saturday trip, we somehow decided it was a good idea to RETURN to madison again on sunday. we went back to the mall & did some shopping and made ANOTHER trip to noodles. they too must think i'm a lunatic.

bottom line for the weekend? lotsa pasta, 2 cars 1 decision, bruised arm, QT with mom and $10 jeans.