nostalgia...

it's very logical that dwelling on the past is pointless. what's done is done and the real important thing is to learn from whatever has happened and try to apply it to your future. but sometimes it's hard to be logical.

i've spent the better part of today doing two things: cleaning the house and thinking of the past. reliving memories and wishing that some things that were, STILL were. i started looking at old pictures, reading old things and wishing i could go back and change events or things i said or did. what a drag!

sometimes i feel like my mouth is controlled by someone who isn't me. i hear myself say things that i don't really believe or want to say, and it can be hard to take that shit back, especially when you're in shock for a few moments after the words have been uttered...

i want a better, happier and more fulfilling life, who doesn't? if i can find a way to keep my mouth in check, i just might get it.

having an epiphany messes you up...

so my mom sent me this funny email yesterday. one of those forwards with some stuff you read while scrolling down the page, then you finally come to a picture which goes along with the stuff you've been reading. the "story" or theme was things to be thankful for. when you get to the picture it was this old couple, naked, standing on a beach. the email said to be thankful the picture was taken from behind and not from the front.

while funny, it really started to make me think and then panic just a little bit. i thought first "that'll be me someday, old saggy butt..." and then it dawned on me that because of my abhorrence of marriage, i would be the saggy butt standing all alone. that made me kind of scared, not because i'm afraid to be alone, but wondering who the hell was going to be physical with "saggy butt" lady?!

i'm a fan of being intimate with someone, i'm sure most people are. but i sort of felt like i would be better off if i had someone who was, well, obligated to have sex with me when i'm old and saggy-like. does that make me really fucked up?! i started to rethink my priorities and decided that maybe "married" life wasn't such a bad gig afterall. now, considering i am single and don't have a semblance of a social life, the next order of panic was "how the hell will i ever meet someone to 'couple' with?" this is where i sit now, trying to figure out how to meet someone i can stand, get along with (and fight with!) who is as willing as i am to work on a relationship and not bail when the going gets tough.

problem 1: i have become SO cynical and bitter from years of bad....everything. the last relationship i had was plagued by my bad attitude. don't get me wrong, it wasn't the ONLY issue, but it certainly played a role.
problem 2: i have poor judgement when it comes to dating. it seems i always have feelings for the wrong person or no feelings for the right one. or maybe my standards are too high?

things to ponder for sure...

it's probably a good thing i don't like cats...

lately i've been getting the feeling that if i was a "cat person" i would end up being that lady. one with a zillion cats who lives alone and ends up getting her face eaten by her beloved pets when she dies alone in her house. that makes me wonder if dogs would do the same thing and also very glad i don't really LIKE cats.

unless i do something drastic soon i fear i may become her. i don't go out or socialize much because i am usually too tired after work to do anything, really. weekends are spent catching up on sleep and housework that gets neglected during the week. so unless i plan to live with jamie the rest of my life, i'd better get a move on.

in the spirit of socializing, i'm heading to STL this weekend. i love going to visit my friends but there are definite downsides to the trip. first there's the 5+ hour drive alone. that is BORRRRRRING. second, it eats up my "catch up" time at home, so i leave right from work and then come back and go right to work. it doesn't actually feel like i've had much time off. plus after the drive time both ways it feels like i barely have any time to spend with people. this coming weekend i'll be staying with emily (usually i stay with anna) and she'll also have other houseguests. wittsle and her 2 kids are staying there too, so it should be fun for the 3 of us to catch up. we used to hang out all the time in high school. man that was a long time ago:(

noodles & company

i spent the majority of my weekend either IN madison or traveling to/from there. it started when i decided to go test drive a rav4 in monroe, then head up to madison to test drive another. i found a few certified used on toyota's website and decided to start the process of buying a "new" car.

of course my mom wanted to go with me, so we started out saturday morning on the BORRRRRRING drive to monroe. it's only about 54 miles but felt like an eternity! the rav4 was nice, v-6 with 3rd row seating and a towing-ready package. it's in really good shape and was a smooth ride.

then we headed to madison and i'd picked out 3 others to test out. on the first try, the weirdest thing happened. i got in the car, fastened my seatbelt, drove about 1o feet and somehow just KNEW this was not the car i wanted. there wasn't anything wrong with it per se, just a weirdness and/or tight feeling in my chest. i backed up the 10 feet i'd driven and told the guy "nope, this isn't it." i think he thought i was nuts. how do you explain to someone that it just doesn't "feel" right when there's nothing physically wrong with the car?

the 2nd choice was alright, but i definitely had a better feeling about the 3rd one. so now i will be trying to figure out financing and which one of the 2 i like better. there are definite pros and cons for each...it's a difficult choice.

after the driving around, mom & i went to noodles to grab some dinner. we decided to take a bunch home with us since we never get there enough to enjoy it. we ended up buying a LOT of take-home...to the point where i had to get a box to put it all in the trunk. i won't tell you the dollar amount but it was a LOT. we pretty much got one of everything and i went tofu crazy because i get excited about eating tofu when it's cooked well. i'm not such a great tofu-cooker so props to noodles.

went to the mall and kicked around for a bit. headed home in the evening, nothing major.

i don't know WHAT my mom's deal is, but she's on this kick where she punches people in the arm or slaps them. it's not to be mean, it's when she's laughing or something but she must've punched me in the arm or slapped me a dozen times, while we were in the car. i have a faint bruise on my arm from her. i'm not complaining or whining about my bruise, it doesn't really hurt or anything but WTF is her DEAL?!? :)

so in addition to our saturday trip, we somehow decided it was a good idea to RETURN to madison again on sunday. we went back to the mall & did some shopping and made ANOTHER trip to noodles. they too must think i'm a lunatic.

bottom line for the weekend? lotsa pasta, 2 cars 1 decision, bruised arm, QT with mom and $10 jeans.

tuesday 16.02.2010

so it's another tuesday at the airport. 6 reservations all day and not much else to do except for a large stack of paperwork that is currently staring at me. i only seem to be able to get through about 5 minutes of "real" work at a time because i haven't been sleeping too well lately.

it seems like something is going on with my sleeping pattern and i just can't seem to fix it. i have no issues falling asleep, but staying asleep seems impossible. i'll be okay for about 2-3 hours, then i wake up. no sounds, no light...even no dogs. fall back asleep, wake up 1/2 hour later. then again in 2 more. it's so strange, i used to be able to sleep through just about anything. not now and it's completely affecting my ability to function. took a "sleep aid" last night (some OTC generic thing) and woke up 4x anyway. gonna try one more night of no pills, with earplugs and a sleep mask. hope it works.

i'm so ready to get out of dubuque and go somewhere. for a weekend, for a week, for a month...forever....? i miss being able to non-rev so much. going to toronto for the day didn't really get much accomplished, but i miss even having the option. there are so many places i want to see for the first time and so many places i'd like to see again. being independently wealthy would help. now taking applications for a sugar daddy....

despite the time that's passed some things are still very present. it's like that really vivid memory which you KNOW was so many years ago but seems like it was just yesterday. every day i'm reminded of things that made me really happy (for the first time in a long time) but now they're gone. i don't think there's anything i can do to get that feeling back. all i can try and do is recreate it. but it's killing me in the meantime. that may seem like a lot of nonsense, but it all makes sense to me.

working a lot of hours. not making a lot of money. yearning to go SOMEWHERE. missing people who aren't here. it can only get better, right?